Dates ....

1st October. 

So. Been a while! Spent ages reading and creating a paper comparing different features of Cochlear and AB. It became confirmed that for my needs AB is better. I feel it has more potential to expand and upgrade. It has the most flexibility of meeting my needs as it has the widest IDR, the most electrodes (virtual) for pitch perception, and the highest stimulation rate. It also has the t-mic that I have heard VERY good things about, as well as a microphone on the headpiece and two on the ear worn bit – 4 microphones in total – some of which are omni-directional and some are fixed.

Anyway, after a stressful time chasing Crosshouse about if it would be possible to get an AB I finally got an email at 7pm last night (they must work late!) confirming an AB has been ordered (yay!) I'm pencilled in for op on 6^th November and switch on on 3^rd December (subject to anaesthetic approval) and I should plan to stay 3 – 4 days each time. I'm also fine to fly home after the operation – now that does not fill me with much fun – it’s a pain of a journey when you are 100%. Coming back I will need a taxi, a train, a walk, a bus, a plane, a taxi, a ferry – while all bandaged up and in silence – eek!

Its all much more real now and actually my overwhelming feeling is of excitement! I know that it may not work brilliantly for me. I know that I could be in pain or dizzy for quite a while afterwards. I know that I will probably hate the sounds I do get and need to do a lot of work to be able to hear again, and I know that the 4 weeks silence will drive us all to distraction. BUT, in the long run I think I need to do this.

Today I went to a coffee afternoon for Macmillan Cancer Research at the school. The kids wanted me to go as they had made stuff and I had a meeting there afterwards. There were a few people I knew there but the noise and talking was so hard that I couldn't understand anything. I was standing around feeling stupid and took myself off to engross myself in kids work on the walls and hide in the toilet until it was time for the meeting to avoid trying to talk and not understand people.

I've had enough. It never used to be this bad, and even if it only goes back to being as good as it was 5 or 10 years ago that’s a hell of a lot better than it is now. If I do nothing it will get worse. You can see the progression of loss in my audiograms. So doing nothing is not an answer.

And worse case, if it fails, then we will all have to adjust to a new reality. It will be obvious to everyone that I need to see them and that I can’t hear or understand anything, and everyone will have to make an effort to communicate, not just me. So though that will be hard and awful, its not necessarily the end of the world.

What I am finding myself doing is listening to things and storing memories. The sound of the kids squabbling (I have no idea what they say, just the tone and volume) is one thing I don’t think I’ll miss LOL!

At the meeting they were setting dates for the Christmas play and dinner and things. I found myself thinking about events in terms of “before CI” and “after CI” and wondering what if anything I will be able to understand!

Wouldn't it be nice if I was one of the lucky few with a “rockstar” activation and could hear fantastically for Christmas??  I don’t for a minute think that will be the case – with a prelingual lifelong deafness I am going to need to work hard, but still, we can dream a little can’t we??

That’s the bit that’s really weird about CI actually. The mantra is “hopes high, expectations low” – but that’s actually really hard to do in some ways. You can’t help but translate your hopes into expectations sometimes. You hear of people doing really well and a part of you deep down thinks that that will be you. I think what keeps it real for me is that I know I will hate what I hear to start with. That I will feel frustrated at not being able to understand anything, but I also think that if I work hard I will be able to get better and eventually do well. And working hard won’t be a problem for me. I have a habit of obsessing on something and doing it to death and knowing me listening therapy will be just like that.

I’m going to start eating pineapple every day in a few weeks. According to the CI list of the say what club there is anecdotal evidence that the bromelain in pineapple can help the recovery and healing process after implant. I like pineapple so seems to me like I have nothing to lose J